- The Trauma in Being Human -
Where is God's Blessing for the
Infertile Couple?
by Martin Baldwin
August 2005
Having children has long been seen as a blessing from God. So are those without children outside
God's pleasure? Rain like God's
love, falls on the just and unjust Jesus observes, and we know that some people
have children when they would rather not, or should not. So we can't seriously treat
childlessness as an act of God.
Christians face not only the trauma of infertility but also the trauma
of ethical decision making as they assess recent technological solutions for
infertile couples. Where the heart
of their belief lies and whether they are able to trust and have faith in a God
who loves and knows best determines the speed of the journey through this
harrowing time.
Trauma is not
regarded as a pleasant or positive thing.
Deriving from the Greek, meaning to wound, it is perhaps better defined
as a 'psychic injury'.[1] Similes of trauma include, agony,
anguish, disturbance, ordeal, pain, suffering, and torture.[2] To clarify further, trauma is regarded
as a disturbingly persistent memory that may be either repressed or unresolved.[3]
Humans[4]
experience trauma as the result of seen and unseen events. A terrorist attack on the other side of
the world causes trauma not from being there, but in identification that it
could have happened where we are.
Somehow we relate to events that we are not related to, and then to
greater and lesser degrees. People
in Israel or Iraq suffer from such constant and extreme trauma from frequent
suicide bombers that they get desensitised, and trauma becomes part of who they
are, part of their daily lives.
In New Zealand
the last significant earthquake or volcanic eruption has reduced over time the
trauma faced by New Zealanders of this very real threat. 'Human Trauma Big Item in Flood Cost'
states the Otago Daily Times in 2002.[5] What flood we now ask? In reality, New Zealand with its
isolated location basks in a relatively trauma free zone, whatever trauma
occurs, quickly exits short term memory.
Our greatest trauma is perhaps coming second in sports events,
especially rugby, as most can remember the anguish and pain of a significant
loss, to England, Australia, or Auckland! These though are public or collectively felt traumas.
This document
studies a trauma on an individual or personal level, one that is cross
cultural, intercontinental, world wide and affects up to 15% of the world's
heterosexual couples. This trauma
is infertility, the pain suffered through inability to have children of your
own.[6]
Infertility
as Trauma
Infertility embraces miscarriage[7], still birth[8], as well as inability to conceive. The classical definition is the inability to achieve pregnancy within one year of procreation efforts (six months if the woman is over 35) or inability to carry through to a live birth.[9]
Most people take the ability to reproduce
for granted, but this isn't as straight forward for 15% of couples in the
world, but as low as 8% in the western world.[10] The rate of infertility in New Zealand
is high, at least 15%.[11] These people face tremendous pain and
searching, as they question why they don't have the necessary ability to
conform to a societal norm, having children.
Although both individuals in a relationship suffer, it is a trauma that is significantly greater for a female to battle as 'femininity has traditionally been based on the bearing and rearing of children.'[12] Men are affirmed by job success, sporting achievements and social status.[13] A woman's ability to reproduce is tied in with their sexual identity and therefore their self image.[14] From preschool ages girls play with dolls, imagining them as their first babies[15] before graduating to baby sitting duties. As one woman notes, when the reality of her time to realise this hope and dream arrived at the age of 26 'all other goals in my life faded into obscurity. Having a baby was paramount.'[16]
So to discover that this goal is not as straight forward as expected, is devastating to say the least. The pain and trauma of infertility is often underestimated, and it is one of the most emotionally destructive conditions there is.[17] It is not difficult to find examples of the pain of infertility:
'For
a long time I was very angry and wondered
what
I did in this life to deserve such pain'[18]
'I
was starting to relate better to death than life'[19]
She
said to Jacob
“Give
me children, or I shall die!”[20]
'At
Christmas I felt like the only child in a large family
to
whom the parents had forgotten to give gifts'[21]
'Nine
years of trying to have a child of our own was like
having to drink bitter waters from a poisoned well month after month'[22]
'when
a friend told me she was pregnant I congratulated her
and
then went home and cried'[23]
'When
I was most depressed about infertility, I experienced a pervasive sense
of personal failure. I felt like an evolutionary outcast!'[24]
I
had a 'constant feeling of loss'[25]
'I feel now that being hopeful will only bring more pain'[26]
'I
wasn't suicidal, but I did feel there was nothing worth living for any more'[27]
The results from a study of 1000 infertile
people show that one in five contemplated suicide while waiting for infertility
treatment and more than nine out of ten reported feelings of depression,
isolation, and frustration.[28] Other common feelings are
incompleteness, disappointment, emptiness, anger, jealousy.[29]
The level of misunderstanding from others
is perhaps the hardest of all to face.
Most of our society assumes that conception and pregnancy are matters of
choice, and under personal control.[30] But it's far from that simple. The best way for those not affected to
relate to infertility is to see it as a form of death.[31] Everyone can relate to losing loved
ones, for infertile couples, the grieving is not from losing a loved one, but a
grief[32] for losing
something they've never had.[33]
Figure 1 The Grief Continuum showing the three stages that infertile couples travel through.
In this model are three main stages
couples facing infertility go through, the agonising and most traumatic first
stage where they struggle to come to terms with what they had taken for
granted, each month facing a repeating pattern of highs and lows, hope after
each ovulation that you may have conceived, followed by despair once your
period arrives.[35] This stage can last over ten years and
ends when reality sets in, that there is nothing you can do, that you have to
move on to survive. 'To give up
cherished hopes and dreams especially when they are about ordinary human
activities that the rest of the world achieves effortlessly, is a painful
process.'[36]
The second stage usually takes less time
to work through, as the trauma is dealt with and reduces, leaving the final
stage when all hope of pregnancy is gone.
Please note, that although the trauma is low, at no time does it go
completely. The blimp during this
stage reflects that at unexpected times the pain returns. Such as in the true story of a
childless woman in her 70's who thought she had gotten over infertility but
realised she hadn't when her friends began having grandchildren. 'When they brought out the photos and
the knitting I felt like an outcast.'[37]
Infertility Today
Infertility is usually assumed to be the
fault of the woman.[38] But recent studies have shown that this
is not correct. 40% of infertility
cases are to do with male factors, 40% female, 15% is due to both, and
5% is the frustrating unknown factor where everything appears in order, but it
just doesn't work.[39] How many women have felt guilt or been
unnecessarily made to feel guilty from this false assumption?
The biological clock is a major
issue. Women have only until
menopause to conceive, but in reality, after the age of 27, chances of
conception fall increasingly steeply.[40] Men also have a biological clock but
the timing is different. They also
have decreasing chances of conception after the age of 30. Both men and women are most fertile in
their 20's,[41]
by 35 years of age both are only half as likely to conceive as at 25.[42]
Therefore most
couples facing the pain of infertility are in their 30's but there are other
contributing factors and biological clock issues are not the only reasons. Today most couples delay the starting
of a family until a level of financial, marital and emotional stability has
been reached.[43] In 1982 80% of the births in this
country were by women under 30. In
2002 this had dropped to 50%. Also
many career oriented women have found alternatives to children to fill their
early lives.[44] And with marriage being preferred later
in life as well, the age of people beginning to have children is older than
ever. This suggests that the
incidence of infertility is rising, and therefore is likely to become an area
of trauma for a significantly greater percentage of couples.
While looking at
the solutions to infertility it is appropriate to examine its causes. In women these include: heredity, diet,
climate, environmental factors, anatomical, physiological or psychological
abnormalities,[45]
also ovulatory dysfunction, abortion, smoking, and coffee.[46] The single greatest cause
accounting for between 25-35% of cases in women is blocked or damaged fallopian
tubes.[47] Sexually transmitted diseases (STD's)
are what typically cause this.
There has been little research on the male
side,[48], which is
surprising considering that 40% of infertility cases are associated with male
factors. It is commonly thought
that the problems are oligospermia (low sperm count), asoospermia (no sperm at
all) or sperm that lack motility, but it is fairly likely that what you eat,
how much exercise you do, illnesses and accidents you have had, exposure to
chemicals, smoking, alcohol and drug abuse and possibly STD's are factors.[49]
Solutions
Infertility has
traditionally been regarded as bad luck, a curse, or simply God's will,[50] with
generally little you could do about it.
There have always been human endeavours to overcome it. In biblical times, a wife could be
divorced for not producing male offspring, or a slave girl could be supplied to
the husband to overcome the wife's inability to produce a child for her master.[51] This practice is reflected in Genesis
16:1-4 where barren Sarah gives her slave girl Hagar to Abraham to bear them a
son. It is interesting that God
did not honour this human solution, but stepped in to provide a child for
Sarah.
The culture in
Old Testament times demanded a male child for each household. Sons gave prestige in the community,
managed the family affairs, perpetuated the family line, helped keep parents in
their old age, arranged for proper burials, and therefore playing an essential
role in society.[52] This put tremendous pressure on couples
to produce, and various less ethical means were used. A particularly sordid passage tells of Lot's two daughters
getting him drunk two nights running and sleeping with him to preserve with
sons their family line.
Incidentally, these boys, Moab and Ben-Ammi became enemies of Abraham's
descendants.
If a man died
without leaving a son, a single brother of the man, or next of kin, as in the case
of Ruth, was responsible for continuing the family and family name of the dead
man. The first born son would be
regarded as the dead man's.
Best selling author Bryce Courtney writes
the incredibly traumatic tale based on fact in Jessica where the favoured barren daughter steals
her 'Cinderella' sister's baby.
This tear jerking Australian scenario from less than 100 years ago is
hopefully an exception but goes to show the desperation and lengths that some
people will go to have a child.
This was further outlined in an hour long
programme recently where traditional Maori methods were being used by couples
in the United States to overcome their infertility. They endured physically brutal treatment as 'Papa Joe'
released them physically, emotionally and spiritually.[53] They were prepared to endure this
pursuit to overcome their pain.
While adoption has traditionally been the
solution for many infertile couples[54], it does
not cure infertility, it resolves childlessness.[55] And adoption is no longer a realistic
option in New Zealand as most single, pregnant women, previously the main
suppliers of adoptive babies are now able to bring up their children thanks to
the 'Domestic Purposes Benefit' and more tolerant community attitudes to single
parents.[56] In 2003 there were a total of only 81
'normal'[57]
adoptions in New Zealand.
Today there is an array of technological
interventions (Assisted Reproductive Treatments, ART's) available. The best known treatment is In Vitro
Fertilisation (IVF)[58]. Other common treatments include GIFT[59], ZIFT(aka
PROST)[60] AIH[61], AID[62], TEST[63],
DIP[64].
Surrogacy, the modern version of adoption,
one woman carrying a baby for another as assisted reproduction is considered to
be a good option and also a way to prevent the passing on of genetic diseases.[65] There are other more experimental and
less ethical procedures such as PGD[66]
and cloning available in more liberal countries such as Argentina.
Modern biotechnology offers a variety of
solutions for the infertile couple.
The possibility of overcoming this trauma is exciting for those who have
the means to access it.
In
Vitro Fertilisation
IVF is far from a straight forward and
simple procedure.[67] For several months a woman is required
to inject herself with large doses of hormones that can cause incredible
bloating, nausea, vomiting, hair loss and mood swings.[68] And then there is the fertilisation
stage where eggs have to be harvested, fertilised and implanted a procedure
that is far from pleasant for the woman involved. This process is awkward, embarrassing and quite painful.[69]
However, the rewards though are high, even
if the success rate is not. One
cycle of IVF has only 27% chance of live birth, slightly higher than for
natural conception (22%), but the odds increase[70]
if you are able to continue the physical, mental and fiscal punishment. Louise Dickson (published 2001 in NZ)
and her husband endured seven attempts at conceiving a child through IVF that
cost $90 000, a huge amount of damage to her health and a lot of heartache, as
none of the cycles were successful.[71] Around 450 IVF children are born in NZ
each year.[72]
Ethical
It is important to remember that ART's
have been created from a demand created from ordinary people desperate to have
a child, not developed by doctors and scientists wanting to play God.[73] Nonetheless, a multi million dollar
industry has developed to overcome infertility. This industry is reliant on this condition continuing, and
therefore has done little to address the causes, as outlined above.
Just as there are many factors and
variables in the causes of infertility, there is a wide range of treatments
available some that are relatively inexpensive. Fisch suggests that better diagnosis and appropriate treatment
would save potentially millions of dollars. However many couples are not offered alternative treatments,
and are quickly headed in the expensive and more traumatic IVF direction as
this brings greater profits to the industry.[74]
Furthermore, with
the prevalence of STD's in our sexually liberated culture, if were able to
radically modify lifestyle and sexual behaviour, the incidence of infertility
would be significantly reduced.[75] 'It would be hypocritical, to say the
least, to advocate ART's to relieve infertility and increase population growth
when at the same time we live a lifestyle that is conducive to the development
of infertility.'[76]
Some people have
a problem with having more embryos fertilised than will actually be used, as
these embryos are the beginning of humans. Spare embryos can be frozen for later use, costing the
couple in additional storage fees, or simply discarded. The issue here is whether these embryos
are human and whether we are killing small people.
New Zealand’s National Ethics Committee has recently ratified creating a child through surrogacy.[77] Wyatt argues strongly that creating a child through donation or surrogacy breaks the link between making love and making babies.[78] What could result is not a love child but a 'strange and hidden hybrid'.[79] The issues for the child to come to terms with later in life as they seek to determine who their real parents are could create new and significant trauma for all involved. Stott wonders whose baby’s these are anyway, the doctor's, donor's, or God's?[80]
Surrogacy and
donation of embryos also allows lesbian and homosexual couples to have
children. With the passing of the
Civil Unions Bill in New Zealand, this is no longer a legal issue, and should
perhaps be expected.
While humans are created with freewill,
there are limits as the tree of knowledge in the Garden of Eden clearly shows[81]. Humanity is not allowed to do as it
pleases. 'God creates the limits
beyond which his creation cannot transgress. This is re-emphasised in Job 38:8-11, man and nature have
God set limits. Some technological
interventions available to humanity today to overcome infertility could broach
these boundaries. Humanity must be
very careful with what they do.
Our freedom is limited by a 'hidden moral order' that we must live by or
face disaster.[82]
Cloning is the
future, and who knows where that will lead. We are not free to improve on the original human
design. We have to ask whether new
technology fulfils the artist’s original intention. 'If we lose the concept that human beings are designed by
God, we strike at the heart of the biblical understanding of what it means to
be human.' [83]
It is easy and
understandable for some people to overlook these and other serious ethical
issues in their desperation for a child.
Biblical
Within the Bible
are at least eight specific incidents[84]
of infertility, and a raft of proof texts that are not particularly helpful to
those who are facing this trauma.
Take for example Psalm 127:3, 'Sons are a heritage from the Lord,
children a reward from Him.' Are
the infertile couple supposed to take from this that infertility is a
punishment? Certainly not, we say,
but these difficult and often unhelpful verses are still there and create
problems when suffering from this trauma.
Creation
(Good)[85]
We need to grasp the full meaning of
creation to understand what we have fallen from.[86] God's plan for
humanity was 'very good'.[87] Infertility but more importantly trauma
at Creation, has to have been absent, a non issue. The issue though was relationship. 'We can assume that before falling into sin, human beings
are created to live in a perfect harmonious state of relation with the Creator,
knowing his love and loving him in response, worshipping and enjoying him in
total dependence.'[88] All that was needed was provided. Relationships with others and God was
to be seamless. It seems His
intention was for a race of people to develop that could enjoy His fellowship
and love. And over the ages
believers have become that race.
It is easy to get
side tracked into thinking that Creation was only about more people. God's command in Genesis 1:28 that the
couple go out and multiply is understandable in a fresh new world where the
need for population increase was required. But in today's context, the world's current population may
compel us to examine seriously whether producing more offspring is still a
necessity.[89] What has often been seen as a command
to procreate, should be seen as a blessing and promise, not a command and duty.[90] The specific purpose for marriage is
therefore not procreation but companionship. Genesis 2:18 says that it is not
good for a man to be alone, so God made a helper for him. This is powerfully significant for the
infertile couple. Having children
is then not to be seen as a vital activity as far as God is concerned.
The utopia of
Eden didn't last, there seems to have been created in humans a natural ability
to do wrong much as is noted in Romans 'for all have sinned and fall short of
the glory of God'.[91] It doesn't seem to have taken that long
for people to begin trusting in themselves and not their Creator.
The
Fall (Bad)
The breaking of
God's rule and the establishing of sin broke the seamless relationship with
God. This sin should be seen as 'a
ghastly declaration of independence by a dependant creature against his
creator'.[92] As the now corrupted image of God,
human beings move from a state in interdependence to one of independence and
autonomy. The beauty of creation
is lost. Evil became 'an ingrained
pervasive reality.'[93]
God was not
prepared to sit by and let humans get away with sin. Adam and Eve and all subsequent humanity discover that sin
has consequences. Giving birth is
directly affected, as is conceiving, for as God condemns the snake, cursing it
and the soil, He then turns to the woman, but shows restraint, not cursing her
or mankind.[94]
Walton's paraphrase of Genesis 3:16a,
“I
will greatly increase the anguish[95]
you will experience in the birth process,
from
the anxiety surrounding conception to the strenuous work of giving birth.”[96]
The consequences of sin are to establish
trauma in conception and possibly infertility. The first part of this verse is to do with the anxiety a
woman will face from conception to birth, worrying about whether she will be
able to conceive, worrying about pregnancy, about the baby in the womb, and
worry surrounding the birth process.
It is possible that as the rainbow reminds
us about God's goodness, the pain of infertility is to remind us about human
wretchedness, and 'that sin and disobedience do not go unchecked and
unchallenged.'[97] It initially seems a harsh thing to do,
but then God shows that he takes sin seriously enough to allow His son to die
on the cross to save us. How dare
we complain about a little bit of suffering through infertility? What a small price to pay!
With sin, humans
also cease to relate to creation responsibly. They begin to use it to create idols to take the place of
God. This begins with the Tower of
Babel, and continues with the creation of the 'golden calf' in the desert, to
providing a visible representation for Israelite worship. For some people the quest for children
becomes a 'golden calf', their god.
Questions should be asked about whether the child is an artefact, 'a
product of human planning and ingenuity for the parent's use' rather than a
blessing from God.[98] The story of Rachel’s infertility in
the Bible reminds us not to let our quest of a child be like this. Rachel craved having a child, yet even
when she had one, she wasn’t satisfied, she wanted more. In the end that which was more
important to her took her life, as she died giving birth to her second son,
Benjamin. The lesson for us is to
keep God as our first love.[99]
The writer of Ecclesiastes reminds us that
going after all the things of the world does not bring happiness or
fulfilment. He bemoans, that he
may as well have been chasing the wind!
Life without God, in sin, is hopeless.
Redemption
(New)
Some time after
the writing of Ecclesiastes a new era was born, the time of Jesus. His life and resurrection provides new
hope for the future. Relationship
with Him also offers comfort and love.
He says,
“Come
to me, all you that are weary and carrying heavy burdens,
and
I will give you rest...you will find rest for your souls.”[100]
For those who grieve, Jesus comments in
the beatitudes,
“Blessed
are those who mourn,
for
they will be comforted.”[101]
For the very private grief that is
infertility, Jesus can be the ever present comfort in this difficult time. Although He was known as a miracle
worker, faith in Jesus, or good deeds, will not necessarily bring reward for
wants. Our primary focus Jesus
reminds us must be for God, loving Him with all our soul, mind and strength.[102]
This applies especially to infertile couples where the all consuming desire for
a child can cause a damaging shift in focus. Before infertile couples venture into the use of ART’s they
need to be sure of their motives.
For others, reality needs to be faced that children need not be a part
in everyone’s future.
'In the sphere of the New Testament
message there is no necessity, no general command to continue the human race as
such and therefore to procreate children.'[103] 'Parenthood is now only to be
understood as a free and in some sense optional gift of the goodness of God.'[104] It is not to be seen as a bad thing to
be without children. Childless
couples must set their hope on God, 'for the Child who alone matters has been
born for them too.'[105] Childlessness can be seen
as provision of freedom to engage in other tasks and cares and joys. 'To bring up children is a beautiful
and promising thing, but the end and purpose of human life cannot and must not
be sought in this...since the meaning of this activity is only earthly and
temporal.'[106]
Sometimes the
hard decisions have to be made, saying no to medical progress. Sometimes there is a need to have trust
and courage in declining what modern technology makes possible. In the biblical worldview, suffering
can have purpose.[107] This is avoided at all costs because of
impatience, and the need for instant answers. But perhaps it is a period that can draw couples closer to
God. When in the midst of
suffering we ask ‘How long?’ rather than 'Who is God in the midst of
this?' Such patience does not mean
waiting until things change, but learning to wait because of who God is even
when the situation doesn't change.
Such a change of focus enables us to ask better questions and to search
for different answers.[108]
The answers to these is where we
must begin: Is God good? Will I
trust Him?[109]
The world sees the cross as foolishness,
weakness, humiliation, defeat, and absurdity. The church though sees the cross through lens of the
resurrection, seeing God's wisdom, power, glory, victory and purpose, a means
of salvation to a new community.[110]
Perfect
The Garden of
Eden gives a glimpse of what the renewed earth will look like. Jesus will return, raising the dead,
judging the world, regenerating the universe and bringing God's kingdom to its
perfection. 'From it all pain,
decay, sin, sorrow and death will be banished, and in it God will be glorified
forever'.[111] Trauma is finished with.
Relationship will
be completely restored, to be as God intended it. The redeemed of God will live in resurrected bodies, perhaps
in some new way of life that transcends sexual relationships as we have now.[112] Jesus suggests this in Luke 20:34, we
will neither marry nor be given in marriage but be like angels in heaven. So that eliminates with pain,
infertility.
So we should not
hold onto life here on earth, but live in faith and hope for the future, for
the renewed[113]
earth. It is this hope that must
sustain us through our suffering.[114] This is not to say that hope will take
away our pain, but it can provide a way through it.
And this hope we
have in the future must shape our mission in the present.[115]
Missiological
Mission, simply
being salt and light to the world, showing practical love while sharing the
message of Jesus.
Where could
infertility possibly fit into mission?
Summing all the adjectives related to fertility challenges, possibly the
most applicable is, lonely.[116] What implication does this have for
Christians?
After Jesus
stated what the greatest commandment was, he continued saying the next most
important was to love your neighbour.[117] We are called to have empathy with
those who are hurting, not offer trite advice, weeping with those who are
weeping, rejoicing with those who rejoice.[118] Simply being there is what’s called
for. And this should not be done
in the quest for another convert, but in simple obedience to Jesus command, and
an outworking of faith. This is
what God expects of His church.
Infertile people
need others who have silent listening ears, people who acknowledge that their
hurt is understandable. They need
the warmth of touch, acceptance of honest feelings, need to hear that their
mourning is justified. They need
the prayers of friends, and spontaneous acts of kindness. Overall they need your patience.[119]
Childless
Christians may have a significant ministry opportunity for being able to talk
‘with someone else who has been through the trauma and grief is important in
coping with what is a loss of part of yourself.'[120]
The Bible is also
a book that offers help and hope, and can play a useful part if it is used
appropriately. This book mentions
eight instances of infertility. At
first glance they seem irrelevant to us, but within each narrative is a hidden
message that is as applicable now, as then.
For example, in
the case of Abraham and Sarah, God had clearly told Abraham that his descendants
would be as numerous as the stars.[121] They just had to trust and wait. Infertility though pulls at such
powerful forces in our souls that this is easier said than done.[122] Their impatient use of Hagar caused
short and long term problems. Our
message is to have trust and faith in God, that nothing is too hard for
him. If He knew having a child was
the very best thing for us, He would cause us to conceive.[123]
The story of
Isaac and Rebekah reminds us that sometimes we don't receive from God what we
desire because we haven't asked Him.[124] We have to keep our focus on the Lord
and remember to bring Him into the loop, by praying.
Hannah provides
an example for us to emulate. She
shows the pain of ridicule that is so easy to identify with. But we see in her a woman who continued
to trust God through her trauma.[125]
If these stories
of hope are too difficult, the lament Psalms, especially 77 show us that we are
not alone in our suffering. These
Psalms confirm that God expects us to cry out to Him in frustration and pain,
that we should not suppress our feelings or be embarrassed about our
anger. God is waiting to listen
and comfort us.
Churches seem to lack an ability to deal
with fertility issues. While most
pastors and ministry leaders are sensitive and caring, most 'are simply unaware
of the struggles, the heartache, and the significant pain caused by
infertility.'[126] Within each church, every Sunday it is
likely that there is at least one hurting family longing for a child.[127] The tragedy is that unless the couple
are strong in their faith, the insensitivity of the Christian community often
pushes them away from church altogether.[128]
Children are a
blessing. Churches need to be
aware that many cannot take such a gift for granted. They need to be careful not to elevate parenthood to the
point where childless couples feel cursed because they have not been so
blessed.[129]
The church as the community of believers
should be a haven of love and acceptance, inclusive of all. A church should be a place where the
infertile feel supported. When
this is clearly the case those in the wider community will feel comfortable
coming into and sharing in the love and support that exists.
There are various
times during the year, Christmas, Mothers and Fathers Days, when children and
having children are highlighted in Sunday church programmes. These are difficult times for childless
couples and churches need to plan carefully so as to not marginalise those
without children. And if the
commercially oriented Mothers and Fathers days do have to be recognised,
acknowledging all women or men on their day irrespective of children is a more
loving and inclusive treatment of all.[130]
The Christian
community should not need reminding of the need to look after the poor, lowly,
sick, lame, widows. Those
suffering from infertility certainly fit into this category, and are people the
church should be caring for.
Conclusion
So where is the
blessing for infertile couples?
There is no one answer.
While everyone is made in the image of God, every person and each couple
are unique. Each couple must seek
God's unique blessing for them and their individual lives, through personal
relationship with Him, by keeping their focus continually on Him, and seeking
to love Him and others.
Only God knows
the reasons for any couple’s infertility.
He doesn't want to cause us pain, but He sure is there to help us
through it. You will still feel
the loss at Christmas, and Mothers' Day celebrations, and when people ask how
many children you have, but you have in Jesus a friend who understands, who has
been through trauma, who will be there for you.[131]
The pain is real, and no one can truly
appreciate the pain another is in, and we mustn't presume to do so. Those with
children will never know the trauma that infertile couples face. It doesn't seem fair. Yet couples without children will never
have to face the trauma of losing a child, which also isn't fair.
Infertility steals your focus. We need to lift our eyes to see other
and perhaps more obvious fields.
The primary aim of marriage is not to be an institution for bringing up
children. Barth is encouraging as
he suggests studying the possibilities that you have without children. He seems to be suggesting looking outside
the square as an opportunity to do something significant for the surrounding
world. There has to be a trust
that as we have a big generous and loving God, He knows what is best for
us. Sure the pain has to be worked
through, but children are not to be seen as the reason for life.
The two greatest
commands, to love the Lord your God with all your heart mind and soul, and to
love your neighbour, remind us that our focus is to be on a personal
relationship with a loving God, and loving others, rather than on fulfilling our
own wants and dreams. We need to
trust that God has a plan for our lives and work toward fulfilling it.
Dickson says,
teaching provided an outlet, a way of channelling her gift of dealing with
children into something truly positive.
'Being surrounded by such great little people gave me so much
satisfaction that not having my own children seems less and less of an issue.'[132] ‘I had to change to survive. I still have sad times, I still wonder
occasionally what life would have been like if I had had my own family. Teaching is stressful and no substitute
for motherhood. But it is an
extremely rewarding alternative.’
‘I want to
encourage others in my position not to lock themselves away. Not to shut out the people who love
them or turn away from other children.
Where people have reached out to others they have gained some control
over their lives again.’[133] Your life may not be the same as your
best friend's, your sister's or your cousin's but it is no less important and
finding a purpose in life and pursing your ambition is a way to ease the pain.[134]
Finally, our time
in this fallen age is nothing compared with eternity on the new earth. It is this we must look to, not by
endeavouring to get there early, but trusting that the best is yet to come, and
accepting that hard times are inevitable in the present age. Somehow we have to continually hold on
to the big picture. If Christians
can demonstrate how to break though the trauma that is infertility with a
living and loving God into a bright and positive future then what a witness
this is to the 10-15% of New Zealand couples in facing this.
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